So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She even gives head with a lisp.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
