i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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