; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
