When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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