Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
a search helicopter?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am mentally ready for anal.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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