Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't put those talents on a resume
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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