I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
