I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
