someone threw a dead crab at me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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