her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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