just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize