Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize