Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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