I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
