Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
