I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
