i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
