he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i've created a new STD.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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