he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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