This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
