If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
