I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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