The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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