My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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