just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
