Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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