She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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