Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
