I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
