I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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