I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize