Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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