saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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