We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
