He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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