if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
