loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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