if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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