I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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