I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
