lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
