Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
