apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
