Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
