Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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