I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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