apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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