Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They took my balls.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
