Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Less talking, more tequila
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We have so much sex to catch up on
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
