I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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