Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
