just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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