I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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