I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
