you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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