I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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