is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
