My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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