Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
