Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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