We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
