my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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