totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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